An Ordinary Life

What I do, what I think

Alpha July 16, 2007

Filed under: Ex-boyfriend — reneewong @ 3:29 am

I have a spot somewhere in my abdomen that can only be activated by ex-boyfriend number 1. When this spot receives a stimulus from the ex, I feel kind of ill. I get nightmares. I lose my appetite. I feel nauseous. In the past, it would also make me obsessive and I would break out in cold sweat and I realise now that it was cold fear which I felt. The fear of losing him.
All these emotions washed over me again last night, all except for the fear and obsession. These were replaced by disgust.
And gave me enough motivation to finally start a blog.
So I met the ex last night. He is back in town. I had not seen him for a few months prior to that. He looked the same – not as young as he would like others to believe, a little tired, his eyes still bright, moving slowly as if contemplating his surroundings.
“I like your bob hairstyle” was the first thing he said. He also liked my Kenzo dress.
We sat on the very nice sofa and armchair at The very nice Bar at The Regent. We made small talk, caught up with each other and all seemed normal, until he said, “I’m very proud of myself. I’m sure you’ll be proud of me too.”
And I said, “Well, that would be the first time in a long time.”
We were interrupted by an sms and he took his time responding to it while I sat there – but that’s very normal behaviour for him too.
Then he said, “I got together with a Latvian girl.”
And I said, “A lesbian girl?”
“No, a Latvian girl.”
Now, why that would make me proud of him I do not know. Perhaps it was his subsequent revelation which he thought would make me proud: she’s 17. “Without any baggage. She has never kissed another man before me.”
Forgive me for being slightly disturbed to hear this from my 29-going-on-to-30-year-old ex-boyfriend.
He was very pleased to be dating someone young as he “will not need to have any talk about marriage or children for a very long time.” Ouch.
We had a slight argument in the cab on the way to my place. I told him that I would probably never see him again. I think he thought it was a joke again because admittedly, I have said this many times before.
This time, I repeated myself, and he said, “No!” in a manner that conveyed a rejection of rejection. And I said, “You are dating someone my sister’s age. You are dating someone 1 year older than some of the kids that I teach. I find that disturbing.”
He responded by saying that I cannot have as my reference point local 17-year-olds as European teenagers are “very different”. I told him to consider what he sees in her in the first place.
No baggage. That’s what he’s always been seeking.
From me, the first girlfriend, to where he is today.
Later, when talking to my present boyfriend, I felt a certain responsibility for what has happened to the ex. I know he’s seeking what he didn’t have with me – a relationship with someone who comes with no baggage. The ex admitted that my baggage was my family, not any other man. But that was a motherfucking load of a baggage.
Hayao Miyazaki. That’s a clue. A couple of years ago, the ex asked if I had watched “Sound of the Ocean” by Hayao Miyazaki. It was a story of Japanese junior high school students and puppy love. The ex was wistful as he spoke about it and revealed that he regretted never having had the chance to experience such puppy love as he was in an all-boys school.
Present boyfriend says that he likes me more now that the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see ex-boyfriend for the dysfunctional creature that he is. Apparently my blindness to this dysfunction was my only fault in present boyfriend’s eyes.
I can’t judge because I can understand the ex’s attraction to a 17-year-old. But I remember when I was 17 years old and I am glad that I wasn’t in a relationship with a 30-year-old because where, then, would have been my puppy love?

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One Response to “Alpha”

  1. - Says:

    Ocean Waves is actually by Tomomi Mochizuki, not Miyazaki 🙂 anyway, i chanced upon your blog while reading up on Dr Ly from ARVC and not only do i find you interesting, i realised that we have quite a few things in common – a love for dogs, a Fitness First membership (which i have been grossly underutilising) and… do you happen to be a teacher as well?

    i hope you don’t find me creepy or anything, i am just sort of intrigued by you. and if it helps, i’m a straight (well, mostly) female, not a 55 year-old trying to hit on you.


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