These days it seems as if I am just hanging on. As if I am waiting. Waiting for everything to come to an end. Waiting for work to let up, waiting for my Japanese exam to be over, waiting to clear my debts, waiting to have time to just sit back and breathe, waiting to be free of this miserable existence. I feel as if I am paddling and paddling and going nowhere. I am kicking just to keep afloat. And yet, if one is to ask me if I am stressed, I really couldn’t say “Yes” though perhaps I am. I am tired. I am constantly tired. I am tired from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment my head hits the pillow at night. I am tired now as I type and every waking moment, I just yearn to be free of wakefulness. I want to pass out. I want to pass through the whole space of unconsciousness from beginning to end and back to the beginning and then to the end again, like a neverending cycle. Just swimming through the vacuous nothing.
Burning out and breaking down November 30, 2007