I can’t find a suitable title for this post, so it’s “Whatever” for now.
Sniffles and I were lazing around at home today, before our scheduled Singapore Flyer flight at 6.30pm in the evening. I was reading “Lire” magazine, and checking out websites where I can buy French books, and I quickly gave up the idea of ordering them online because of the shipping charges. Then, I suddenly remembered my ex-boyfriend, whom I just met up with two nights ago, over dessert/supper where he brought along a friend whom I had never met, who in turn brought his own friend. Anyway, the ex will be going to Bordeaux after his stay here. So I was going to call him to help me get my stuff, and upon looking at my mobile, I realised that I had 2 new messages, and lo and behold! one was from him.
It went something along the lines of how he just wanted to tell me that he has been crying over me lately, over how he had hurt me and what he had lost. I was just flabbergasted. Really. I have not responded. The message was sent at 1 in the morning but I only saw it around midday. Initially, I was just too aghast to respond, now I think it’s too late to do so. Initially, I didn’t know what to think, but over the course of the day, I have thought, and hmmm.. I still don’t know what to say. In the first place, I don’t think it’s something that I can respond to over sms. Also, Sniffles pointed out that it was unfair of him to suddenly just dump this on me over sms, out of the blue. We rationalised that he did start the message with “Just wanted to tell you..”, so that doesn’t really ask for a reply.
So what to do now? I still want my French books. Hmmm…
I’m not avoiding the guy in any way. But after his message, I also can’t just like, call him and go, “Eh.. can help me buy stuff from France?”
But my own selfish needs aside, I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that message. I told Sniffles that you know, maybe I could talk about forgiving him, but I’m not sure if I do and Sniffles said, is he even asking for that? Is he apologising? And the fact is that, no, he wasn’t, so ok, no talk about forgiveness. I thought of saying something along the lines of “we no longer exist in the present or the future, we are of the past”, so just move on. But that seemed flippant and annoying even to me. I also thought of telling him that hey, I’m in a loving relationship with a man who adores me, and I trust that he is also in a healthy relationship with a girl who loves him, so no regrets, everything’s cool between us now. But at the end of day, what does he want to hear from me? I’m perplexed.
It occurred to me after our meeting two nights ago that I’ll probably not want to see him again. C’etait nulle. “Nulle” is a French word that means a variety of things, but out of all the translations available in my Collins Robert Concise French Dictionary, I will pick “really stupid”, “useless” and “idiot” as what is closest to what I want to express, though, really, I think there’s no English word to really convey “nulle”. In a nutshell, it was pointless. First of all, he appeared with someone I have never met before, who invited someone else whom I have never met before. I like meeting new people. I just don’t see the point of meeting up with an old friend whom I’ve not seen for a long time, in the presence of people who are strangers to me. It reeks of insincerity to spend time with me. I have another friend who does the same thing and I have boycotted her for the past few times she’s been back in Singapore. I still love her as a friend, as in, if she needs me, I will be there, but I refuse to meet up with her each time she’s back in Singapore because I know that there will be at least 5 other strangers present, and seriously, what’s the point? That’s not catching up with an old friend, it’s more like trying to find stuff to say to people you’re not interested in. It’s like, I’m a groupie just dying for whatever bit of free time, words, and energy she can spare in the midst of all her other friends. I don’t need that. From anyone.
But it also occurred to me that the guy is afraid of being alone with me.
I had a friend whom I was in love with but it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run coz we would be living in different countries permanently and he said that he would rather not start anything with me because he had had a long distance relationship before and it didn’t work out and afterwards, he wasn’t friends with his ex anymore and he didn’t want that to happen to us. He had no wish to be in contact with her because after being so close to this person, what else can the two of you be to each other?
I finally understand firsthand now what he meant. I know my ex so well. I see through him. He can’t flirt with me and that’s it. He flirts with everyone. That’s his way of managing people. He does it very well. It falls flat with me. What this means is that he can be himself with me, but that can be either a very comfortable or uncomfortable thing. And I think when he wrote about what he had lost, this is part of it. We met when we were young and we just gave each other everything that we had, mentally, emotionally, physically, and I accepted all of him and just took it all. I was the unbreakable vessel. He told me once that he realised that nobody loves him as much as his mother and me. And I think we both agreed that nobody ever could. Well, at least he still has his mum.
The way I see it, God first gave me what I wanted, then He gave me what I needed. So there was the ex, and now there’s Sniffles. And so for the record, that’s why I’m with Sniffles. I know that reading my most recent posts, one would wonder why I’m marrying Sniffles, so here’s the reason – I believe that he’s God-given. Because there is just no way that I would voluntarily have chosen him. He’s everything that I did not want, did not like, but somehow I have recovered from the trauma of my past relationship during my time with him to emerge relatively happy and well-adjusted. Still, it’s not always easy to live with what I need, and not what I want, though with time, wants do evolve, and so do needs, so I’m pretty ok with Sniffles.