I’ve decided to blog about this to update friends on how things are progressing, or not. Nothing’s happening. See, let’s say if we can only meet the pastor once every 6 weeks and we need to meet her just 3 more times, that’ll be next year already.
Sniffles and I went to look at furniture yesterday. He bought a green chair. Of course that’s jumping 2 steps ahead and doing exactly what the pastor said not to do – have shared possessions.
I decided last night to not think about wedding and marriage anymore for the time being. Let’s just focus on ALL the problems that we have instead. What won’t kill us will make us stronger huh?
Let’s seriously contemplate walking away from each other since there is no way we are going to change for the other person – that seemed to have been the message for the first session.
The second session was more frustrating. It seemed that the pastor was fishing for the right answer – which I did not have. What they say about how there is no right answer is a lie! But, it did force me to think about the reasons for getting married, and I realised then that I had not really contemplated the simple question of whether I want to marry Sniffles. Those of you who have read the earlier entries of this blog would have seen that I wanted to get married because of my dad, because of the HDB flat, and then the angst-filled declaration that I did not want to get married at all. Sniffles never really came into the picture. I tried to tell the pastor that I had come to the conclusion that I should marry Sniffles because I am not interested in seeking an alternative, that people are different and sure there are things about Sniffles that irk me, like his sniffling, but does this mean that I should go find someone who is never going to irk me? The pastor’s response was that some people might be happier being single. That immediately made me think that I may end up spending the rest of my life in sin coz I so do not have the calling of celibacy.
Sniffles and I are both frustrated that we are stuck in limbo. We can’t move forward, we can’t make plans. We have as many wedding plans as we did a year ago – none at all. Because the pastor had said that we shouldn’t make any. It’s a paradox: we’re being asked to give serious thought to the marriage that we are not supposed to think is going to happen. We cannot make plans; we can only contemplate worst-case scenarios. Tell me that this is not going to somehow strain our current relationship.
The only way for me to deal with this situation is to just separate myself from all this. I am making our nuptials a non-event. I am not looking forward to anything because every time I get excited about a dress, a flat, a piece of furniture, I am reminded that nothing is happening. It’s very much like being doused in cold water. Enthusiasm is rewarded by… a void.
So folks, don’t hold your breath for a wedding invite. You may asphyxiate before that happens – I know I already have.