Speechless October 14, 2008

I underestimated my mother. Contrary to the picture of my mother as a poor and lonely woman wasting away from bone cancer, neglected by her careless children, my mum was full of… for lack of a better word, positive thinking. Her source of strength? The Secret. She is convinced that she will live to a hundred, just on positive thinking. Oh, and light. I applaud her conviction. I realise that my mother is the same woman that she was years ago when she started hearing voices and thought she was a god. She doesn’t need saving. Other people need saving from her. She believes in God and Jesus. She thinks that Jesus hangs out with Allah in a parallel dimension three feet away from us. Yes, this is just a slight variation of what I grew up with. Be amazed that I am this well-adjusted. Don’t even get me started on her alien theories though I did consider that she could be one of them. Who needs to read about Tom Cruise and Scientology or sci-fi and fantasy when I have my own mother to weave entire universes for me?
Well, the good thing is that I feel no compulsion to visit her on a regular basis. I mean, she still has 44 years to go before she hits a hundred. I think I’ll check in on her in 3 to 6 months. Apparently positive thinking takes that long to cure a person of muscular atrophy and multiple cysts in her womb. Should I be more concerned? I am, about being sucked into the vortex that is my mother’s mind. I’ve lived there before. Positivity and light only exist as a dream and insanity is three feet away in a visible dimension.
My brother was a lot more focussed than I was during our conversation with my mum. I think it’s because he’s heard all this from her in more recent times whereas I, as previously mentioned, have been avoiding such encounters studiously.

Duty calls October 12, 2008

My aunt spoke to me today about my mum. A little background: I avoid my mum like the plague. Really. The reason is complicated but to just simplify things, every encounter with my mum leaves me disturbed and wondering which planet she has just landed from. If she weren’t my mother, she’ll just be a crazy woman to me. Some people, more positive than I, have said that she’s a hippy.
Unfortunately, to my aunt she is a depressed and lonely woman who is physically ill and I’m the daughter who should be doing something about it.
The human side of me really can’t care less. It’s part of my self-preservation instincts. It’s like how you can’t strangle yourself with your own bare hands. I can’t subject my sanity to asphyxiate from contact with my mum.
But the Holy Spirit which convicts and compels me and reminds me of the commandment to honour my parents is telling me that I have to do something. So I am going to visit my mother. I am going to bring her to church because there are curses to break and healing to seek and find. Am I looking forward to it? Not really. But it’s like what I heard the other day, if you find the cure to AIDS, will you share it with those who are suffering from it, or will you keep it to yourself? As my aunt was sitting there telling me about my mother’s condition and symptoms, honestly, the only solution I saw was God. If it were a doctor, I would take her to one. But as it is, it is God so I have to lead her to Him. Oh joy.

Wanderlust October 10, 2008

I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been busy doing I don’t know what.
Hot and I have received the stamp of approval from the pastor. It was amazingly simple in the end. That actually happened weeks ago.
I went for an interview for a course today. If I get through the interview I’ll be taking a three-month break from work in July next year and squeeze in a wedding and honeymoon as well. I have second thoughts coz the course is a certification to teach ESOL or EFL. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for the past few years, way before I met Hot. In fact the idea was first planted when I was studying in Canada seven years ago.
Marriage complicates things. Especially since Hot seems to want to be joint at the hip to me. I’m really not for that. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before and for all the evils of that unhealthy relationship, distance was the last reason for all the problems. It actually worked out quite well and I relished my freedom and all the friendships formed with other people on my own and experiences that were personal to me. Maybe I really am cut out for singlehood, but rewind to earlier post about how celibacy is not for me.
I want to marry Mark and have a home with him and our dog, but I also want to live a life that seems almost my calling. I miss living overseas. I’m not looking to
migrate coz I’ve been there and I know that the grass is not greener on the other side. I just want to experience walking through the streets of another land and be familiar enough with it to call it home. I like knowing that I can be transported to Paris today and it’ll all be more than familiar.